5 Necessary Relational Needs
We talk a lot about needs, especially in the context of creating relationships where our needs can be met. But what needs are actually important? While every person and couple will have their own unique requirements, some basic needs are essential for a healthy, fulfilling, and sustainable relationship. These include communication, emotional and physical intimacy, mutual engagement, and overall kindness.
1. Direct, Open, and Honest Communication
At the basis of any strong relationship lies direct, open, and honest communication. This means consistently engaging in clear and straightforward dialogue, free from mixed messages, hot-and-cold behavior, and pursue-and-retreat dynamics. Communication should be a continuous and mutual effort, ensuring both partners feel heard, understood, and valued. Without this, misunderstandings and unresolved issues can fester, leading to a breakdown in the relationship.
2. Physical Affection and Caring Gestures
Physical affection and caring gestures play a significant role in making partners feel loved and appreciated. Simple acts of kindness, whether through touch, words, or small surprises, can foster a sense of connection and warmth. Without these gestures, feelings of disconnection and neglect can take root, leading to emotional distance.
3. Emotional Availability
Emotional availability is another critical component of a thriving relationship. Both partners need to be consistently open and vulnerable with each other, sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This should be an ongoing practice, not limited to occasional check-ins. By fostering emotional intimacy, partners can build a deeper bond and a sense of security.
4. Mutual Interest and Full Investment
A healthy relationship requires mutual interest and full investment in each other’s lives. This involves actively participating in each other’s daily experiences, expressing curiosity, asking questions, following up, and checking in regularly. This demonstrates commitment and strengthens the bond between partners.
5. Kindness, Compassion, and Non-Judgment
Creating a relationship space characterized by kindness, compassion, and non-judgment is crucial for emotional safety and mutual respect. Talking down to each other or engaging in mean-spirited behavior is detrimental and unacceptable. Instead, partners should strive to support and uplift each other, fostering a nurturing and positive environment.
Needs aren’t needy, they’re necessary
Couples who master these five relational cornerstones—communication, emotional and physical intimacy, mutual engagement, and overall kindness—tend to be happier, more connected, and more likely to have long-lasting relationships. Challenges arise when trauma interferes, causing one or both partners to withdraw from fulfilling these needs, leading to problems.
Having worked with couples for over a decade, I’ve seen diverse relationship dynamics. Some couples are content with having sex with others but not with each other, while others lack an emotional connection and don't mind. If you’re reading this and thinking, "I don't need this," you might be one of those couples. You would be best served by finding a partner who shares a similar "less is more" approach to relationships.
However, most people do want to be loved. They desire attention, affection, and caretaking, and they want to feel love in one way or another. This list reflects what I want for you and for myself—what I believe most people desire in a relationship. It’s important to note that this isn’t an absolute truth or a requirement for everyone. Many couples don’t need these elements, but the majority do. The truly sad part is when someone who desires warmth and love ends up with a partner who doesn’t. In that situation, both partners lose.