Relationships can feel like a battleground, full of clashes over differences, miscommunication, and emotional triggers. But the real battle isn’t with our partners—it's with the outdated coping mechanisms we unknowingly bring into these dynamics. These are the remnants of childhood wounds—whether from abandonment, psychological invasion, neglect, or abuse—and they continue to shape our adult relationships in ways we may not even realize.
When we fall into these old patterns, we aren't simply arguing about the surface-level issue, like who said what in which tone. We are fighting to protect the strategies we developed to feel safe as children. These strategies may have served us when we were younger, but they are no longer useful—or healthy—in the context of adult relationships. And yet, they persist, reinforced not only by the dysfunction of early family dynamics but also by cultural narratives that tell us to seek security, control, or validation in specific, rigid ways. The kicker is that we often recreate relational dynamics that reinforce these mechanisms, getting stuck in cycles of seeking the same safety in new people.
For example, someone who grew up feeling abandoned might subconsciously choose partners who are emotionally unavailable, thus confirming their fear of abandonment and reinforcing their old coping strategy—working hard to keep their partner’s attention.
Or someone who had overbearing, controlling parents might replicate that dynamic by either becoming the controlling one in the relationship or seeking out a partner who controls them. This isn’t because we want to suffer but because we’ve been conditioned to believe these are the dynamics we must navigate to feel secure.
The result? We get stuck. Relationships stall, emotional intimacy dwindles, and couples fall into repetitive patterns of blaming one another for why things aren’t working. The cycle continues, leaving both partners frustrated and disconnected.
Growth Requires Responsibility Not Blame
The first step in breaking these cycles is realizing that blaming our partner for our dissatisfaction, no matter how tempting, will get us nowhere. It feels good in the moment—validating our pain, confirming our righteousness—but it keeps us stuck in the same place, demanding change from someone else without taking responsibility for our own role in the dynamic.
Growth, both individually and as a couple, requires looking inward. It’s about asking hard questions:
What old wounds am I acting from?
How do my past experiences influence how I show up in this relationship?
What fears or insecurities do I bring into this relationship, and where do they come from?
How does my attachment style influence the way I respond to conflict or distance in the relationship?
Am I reacting to my partner's behavior, or am I projecting unresolved issues from my past onto them?
Instead of focusing on how our partner isn’t meeting our needs, we need to focus on how we can become the partner we want to be.
This doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment or accepting all the blame for relationship issues. It means shifting the focus from winning arguments to growing beyond the outdated versions of ourselves.
Growth is not about being right; it’s about being better.
It’s about recognizing that we are not the same person we were in childhood, nor are our partners, and we have the capacity to move beyond those early coping strategies.
Where to Start:
Awareness: The first step is awareness. Notice the patterns that keep resurfacing in your relationship. Are the same arguments happening repeatedly? Do you feel triggered in a way that seems disproportionate to the situation? These are clues that you’re reacting from old wounds, not from the present reality.
Personal Responsibility: Once you’re aware of the pattern, take ownership of your part. Ask yourself, What am I bringing into this relationship from my past? Taking responsibility for your actions and reactions doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior from your partner, but it does mean acknowledging that your response is within your control.
Stop Blaming: Blame is a seductive shortcut to avoid doing the real work of growth. It allows us to externalize the problem, placing it squarely on our partner’s shoulders. But if we’re honest with ourselves, no one is entirely innocent in a relationship dynamic. The goal isn’t to find out who’s right or wrong—it’s to figure out how to grow together.
Communicate Vulnerably: Instead of attacking or accusing your partner, share your feelings and experiences from a place of vulnerability. For example, say, “I realize I’ve been reacting from a fear of abandonment,” instead of, “You never make time for me.” Vulnerability fosters connection, while accusations deepen disconnection.
Challenge Old Narratives: Ask yourself what narratives you’ve inherited from your childhood. Are they still serving you? Are you expecting your partner to heal wounds that can only be healed through self-awareness and self-compassion? Start questioning the stories you’ve been telling yourself about love, security, and worth.
Grow Together: Growth in a relationship is a two-way street. While it starts with individual accountability, it ultimately requires both partners to challenge themselves, to be curious about their own patterns, and to support each other in the process. Growth can’t happen in isolation—it happens when both people commit to evolving, not just surviving.
The Purpose of Relationships Is Growth
At the end of the day, the purpose of a relationship isn’t to validate us or make us feel whole. It’s to challenge us, to mirror back the parts of ourselves that still need healing, and to offer us the opportunity to grow. If we cling to the old coping mechanisms that kept us safe as children, we won’t grow, and neither will our relationship.
Real intimacy is born when both partners take responsibility for their own growth. It’s not about finding someone who will complete us—it’s about becoming the person who no longer needs completion. In doing so, we open the door to a relationship that isn’t based on old wounds and outdated coping mechanisms, but one that evolves, deepens, and strengthens over time.
Growth isn’t easy. It’s uncomfortable, sometimes painful, and always demanding. But the reward is a relationship that transcends blame, fosters mutual respect, and provides the emotional space for both partners to truly thrive. When we commit to our own growth, we contribute to the growth of the relationship, creating a dynamic that is not only sustainable but fulfilling in the truest sense.
I love the concept that our relationship acts like a mirror, for our growth. We certainly grow during the hardest of times, if we are self- aware. unfortunately, if our pattern is to choose emotionally unavailable partners, you are not likely going to grow together. You must leave and grow alone. and make better choices in the future.
Exactly on target. Now to carry it out.