How Different is Too Different?
I’m regularly asked about how to negotiate differences in relationships. People often wonder which differences can be worked through and which ones might be deal-breakers. The truth is, there’s no universal formula for what differences will or won’t work in a relationship. But there are some important things to keep in mind.
Differences define all relationships. How these differences are negotiated and compromised will ultimately determine the fate of the relationship. Many couples manage their differences passively-aggressively or avoidantly, meaning they don’t address the issues at all. This can lead to a cycle of pretty toxic conflict without end or resolution. This toxicity can also come to define a relationship leaving one or both partners shut down and alone. Conversely, some couples may lose themselves in the process, sacrificing their preferences and needs to accommodate their partner's differences. Neither are great approaches.
So what do you do?
The first step in understanding what can work is communication. While it might sound clichéd, communication is crucial. You need to bring your differences into the open and discuss them honestly and openly. It’s vital to be clear about your needs and preferences without holding back.
The most significant challenges arise when differences relate to how we do intimacy, attach, give, and receive love. Many couples can find themselves mismatched in these preferences for love, making the relationship particularly vulnerable. The most common differences are below.
Attachment Styles: One partner might have an anxious attachment style, needing constant reassurance and closeness, while the other might have an avoidant attachment style, needing more space and independence.
Love Languages: Partners might have different ways of expressing and receiving love, such as one preferring physical touch and quality time, while the other values acts of service and words of affirmation.
Intimacy Needs: Differences in sexual desire and preferences can create significant tension if not openly discussed and negotiated.
Emotional Availability: One partner might be more emotionally expressive and communicative, while the other might struggle with vulnerability and openness.
Affection Levels: Variations in the need for physical affection and romantic gestures can lead to feelings of neglect or suffocation.
When the needs above are incongruent the relationship becomes fundamentally insecure and potentially even unsafe. In this space, both partners need to be very committed to understanding what is happening, recognizing triggers, connecting with the traumas that inform their styles, and do their best to focus on fulfilling each other's needs while also staying true to themselves.
If both partners are willing to adjust and can tolerate the absence of certain needs, that’s a positive sign.
However, if one or both partners cannot adjust or tolerate the absence of specific needs, the likelihood of the relationship being sustainable is unfortunately low.
This is because persistent and chronic unmet needs can lead to ongoing dissatisfaction, resentment, and emotional distress. Over time, the frustration of feeling unheard or neglected can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy in the relationship.
For instance, if one partner constantly feels that their need for affection is unmet, they may start to feel unvalued and unloved, leading to feelings of isolation and sadness. In response, they might pull away and shut down their own vulnerability, ending up in a defended state. Ironically, this state makes it impossible for them to receive the affection they seek, but it also protects them from the disappointment that arises when they don't receive that affection. This creates a vicious cycle where their need for connection remains unmet, further deepening the emotional disconnect between partners.
Similarly, if the other partner feels pressured to provide more affection than they are comfortable with, they might feel overwhelmed and constrained, fostering resentment and even shame. These negative emotions can accumulate, creating a cycle of conflict and even more disconnection.
These dynamics are often connected to trauma and are reenactments of earlier childhood attachment issues with parents. The unmet needs and defended states in adult relationships can mirror the patterns established in early attachment experiences. However, these relationships can also be a place for healing, albeit a very challenging one. The most important thing to do in these spaces is not to focus on changing your partner but to build awareness of what parts of your trauma are being triggered in these dynamics. By understanding and addressing your own triggers and traumas, you can create a healthier dynamic and foster deeper connection and healing within the relationship.
The goal of a healthy relationship is to create an environment where giving and receiving love is a natural language spoken by both partners with equal flow. It's important to recognize that, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum of attachment styles, developing a fundamental connection to your partner is crucial for security and safety. This involves open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow together. In an ideal relationship, both partners are attuned to each other's needs and work collaboratively to ensure those needs are met, fostering a deep and enduring bond.
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