Relationships are supposed to be one of life’s great sources of joy and stability, but anyone who has been in one long enough knows that they are also one of life’s greatest sources of confusion, heartache, and soul-searching. If you’ve ever found yourself asking, Is it me? Is it them? Am I just repeating my past, or is this relationship fundamentally flawed?—you’re not alone. This is one of the most difficult and persistent questions we face in relationships, and unfortunately, the advice out there is often simplified into black-and-white narratives. These narratives encourage us either to take personal responsibility or to flee from what we’ve now labeled as “toxic” partners.
But what if the truth lies somewhere in between? What if the lines between us and them blur in ways that make it impossible to neatly compartmentalize responsibility? What if, as many of us are learning, our relationships trigger old wounds not because they’re unhealthy but because we’ve brought unresolved history into them?
This is where relational advice often misses the mark—by failing to capture the deep dissonance and paradox of being caught between wanting to stay and wanting to leave, between healing your past and confronting the reality of your partner’s limitations. Let’s dig into this complexity and try to make sense of it in a way that doesn’t reduce relationships but instead respects the ambiguity and growth required to navigate them.
The Binary Trap: Stay or Leave?
We live in a world that tends to simplify relational problems into easy, digestible chunks. Either your partner is a “narcissist,” and you should leave, or you’re “codependent,” and you should work on yourself. Social media, advice columns, and even self-help books increasingly reinforce a binary way of thinking: either the relationship is toxic, or you are too needy.
But real life doesn’t function this way. In most long-term relationships, both people are contributing to the dynamics. Even when one person’s behavior feels truly harmful—be it criticism, withdrawal, or emotional coldness—there’s often a part of us that’s being triggered not just by the current interaction, but by old wounds that have been reopened.
Is the answer to leave, because your needs aren’t being met? Or is the answer to stay, because your unmet needs mirror those you had in childhood, and this relationship could be the place where you finally confront them?
This is where so much of modern advice falls short. It treats our psychological baggage as either irrelevant to the relationship or as a reason to stay in relationships that truly aren’t working.
But the truth is, both realities exist at once: you may be deeply triggered by things that are about your past, and your partner may simultaneously be doing things that are unacceptable in the present.
Relational Repetition: Echoes From Our Past
The hard reality is that we often replay our relational wounds with our partners. The things we didn’t receive growing up—the affection, attention, or understanding we longed for—can make us hyper-attuned to any hint of rejection or neglect in our adult relationships. But this isn’t necessarily a sign that your partner is wrong for you. In fact, many therapists would say this is where the real work of a relationship begins—when you can identify how your triggers from the past are showing up in the present.
However, this is where the impossible question comes in. How do you tell the difference between your unresolved issues and your partner’s actual failings? How do you know when to stay and work through your history, and when to leave because your partner is not capable of meeting your needs?
There’s no clear answer, and this is what makes relational growth so challenging. No one can tell you when it’s time to leave versus when it’s time to stay and push yourself to grow. The advice out there often lacks nuance, pushing us either toward self-reliance or toward fleeing at the first sign of discomfort.
The Problem with “Individuation”
A lot of contemporary relationship advice emphasizes individuation—the process of becoming a more independent, self-reliant version of yourself. We’re told that relationships should be built on two whole, separate people who come together without needing each other too much. This advice can be useful, especially when we’re too dependent on our partners for validation or self-worth. But it also misses the fact that relationships are about dependence. We do need each other in intimate relationships. Emotional interdependence is a healthy and necessary part of loving someone.
This is where the cultural push toward individuation can leave people feeling more confused than ever. We’re asked to be both emotionally independent and deeply connected at the same time. When your partner doesn’t meet your needs, you’re told to look inward and soothe yourself. But what if part of the reason you’re in a relationship is to have your needs met in ways you couldn’t meet them alone?
This is the paradox. We are often told that it’s a sign of emotional growth to soothe ourselves and not ask too much of our partners. But when do we stop soothing and start asking? When do we say, “I deserve to have this need met by someone else, and I don’t want to carry this burden alone anymore”?
The Impossible Question: How Do You Decide?
At the heart of this is the most impossible question in relationships: When do you push yourself to stay and work through your triggers, and when do you push yourself to leave because the relationship is no longer serving you?
For many, this question can only be answered in time, through careful introspection and perhaps with the help of a therapist. You have to get curious about whether the pain you’re feeling is an invitation to grow, or whether it’s a sign that the relationship is no longer healthy for you. Here are some guidelines to help you make sense of this complex dilemma:
Track Patterns, Not Episodes: One of the biggest traps we fall into is focusing on individual episodes—one fight, one harsh comment, one week of disconnection. But the real question is whether there’s a larger pattern. Are your needs chronically unmet, or are you both struggling through a rough patch?
Identify Your Triggers: It’s important to recognize when your partner’s behavior is triggering something old. For example, if you often feel abandoned when your partner needs space, is that because they’re truly neglecting you, or because this mirrors how you felt as a child when your emotional needs weren’t met? Recognizing your own history doesn’t invalidate your feelings; it just helps you see where they come from.
Look for Repair: Relationships aren’t perfect, and your partner will hurt you at times. The key is whether there’s an effort to repair after conflict. Does your partner acknowledge their mistakes, listen to your concerns, and make genuine efforts to change? Or do they dismiss your feelings and continue the same behaviors?
Seek Support, Not Just Self-Reliance: While it’s important to be self-aware and manage your own emotions, it’s also crucial to recognize that relationships are about support. If you find yourself constantly self-soothing or managing your own triggers without any help from your partner, it may be time to reevaluate whether your needs are being met.
Don’t Confuse Longevity with Success: Many of us stay in relationships because we believe that enduring difficulty is a sign of commitment. But staying in a relationship that consistently feels painful or unsatisfying isn’t a badge of honor. It’s important to remember that leaving isn’t always a failure—sometimes it’s an act of self-respect.
Consider the Cost of Leaving vs. Staying: The question isn’t just about whether the relationship is hard. It’s about whether the relationship is worth the cost. Are you growing through the challenges, or are you becoming more disconnected from yourself? Are you staying because you’re afraid of being alone, or because you believe there’s still something meaningful to work through?
The Bottom Line: Make Space for Complexity
The reality is that relationships will always involve some level of discomfort, because they push us to confront parts of ourselves we might otherwise avoid. But discomfort doesn’t always mean something is wrong—it can also be a sign of growth.
The challenge is to make space for complexity. Instead of reducing your experience to a black-and-white question—“Should I stay, or should I leave?”—ask yourself deeper, more nuanced questions: “Is this discomfort a sign of growth, or is it a sign that my needs aren’t being met?” “Am I reacting from a place of old wounds, or is my partner genuinely failing to show up in the ways I need?”
These questions don’t have easy answers, but they’re the kinds of questions that can help you navigate the gray areas of relationships with more clarity and self-awareness. Relationships will always ask us to change, grow, and confront parts of ourselves. The challenge is deciding whether you’re growing together or apart.
I write about all of this in my book, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind. Order your copy here.