In a world that tells us love is the ultimate fulfillment, it’s easy to believe that our happiness should hinge on our romantic relationships. After all, we’ve been fed stories since childhood about the transformative power of love—that if we just find the right partner, everything else will fall into place. But what happens when the love we receive doesn’t meet our needs? When the person we’ve entrusted with our hearts isn’t capable of giving us the kind of care and affection we crave?
I’ve asked myself this question more times than I can count, in both private reflection and therapy sessions. I’ve struggled with the uncomfortable reality that my happiness cannot depend upon my partner’s ability to love me. It’s a truth that feels counterintuitive, even painful.
It’s not that love doesn’t matter—of course it does. Connection, intimacy, and companionship are some of life’s most meaningful experiences. But when our sense of self-worth and happiness become intertwined with our partner’s capacity to love us, we’re on dangerous ground. We begin to rely on someone else to meet emotional needs that only we can truly satisfy.
I’ve found myself trapped in this cycle, waiting for a partner to change, to meet me where I am emotionally, to offer the care and attention I desperately wanted. But the more I waited, the more I realized that placing all of my happiness in someone else’s hands was not only unfair to them—it was unfair to me. Expecting someone else to fill all the gaps in our emotional well-being is an impossible burden for any relationship to bear.
The Trap of Dependency
We often fall into the trap of believing that our partner is responsible for our happiness. If they’re loving enough, attentive enough, if they say the right things and provide the right reassurance, then we’ll be happy. But when we rely on someone else to complete us, we set ourselves up for disappointment. No matter how much someone loves us, they can never fill every void. We have to take responsibility for our own well-being.
In my own relationship, I’ve noticed this dependency creep up in subtle ways. When my partner isn’t as affectionate as I’d like or when we have a disagreement, I find myself spiraling into a place of frustration and hurt. It’s in these moments that I realize how much I’ve come to depend on his love for my emotional stability. But here’s the truth: my happiness can’t be contingent on how much love or validation he offers. If I continue to rely on that external source, I’ll never develop the internal resilience I need to thrive.
Shifting the Focus
The real challenge is shifting the focus from my partner’s actions to what I can do for myself. What am I doing to nurture my own well-being? Am I taking time to connect with myself, to reflect on my needs, to cultivate joy outside of the relationship?
It’s not that I don’t want love or that love doesn’t matter—it does. But love can’t be the singular source of happiness. Relying solely on my partner to provide fulfillment is like trying to fill an endless well with a leaky bucket. The more I pour into the relationship expecting it to fix everything, the more disappointed I become when it inevitably doesn’t.
The answer, I’ve found, lies in self-connection. Whether it’s finding joy in small, everyday activities—like reading a book, taking a walk, or simply enjoying a moment of peace—or practicing self-compassion, these acts help me center myself in my own life. It’s about reclaiming the parts of me that have been overshadowed by the relationship and remembering that I am a whole person, even outside of the love I receive (or don’t receive) from my partner.
Embracing The Self
Taking responsibility for our own happiness isn’t about abandoning our relationships or retreating into emotional isolation. It’s about building a foundation of self-sufficiency so that when our partner isn’t able to meet our emotional needs, we don’t crumble. This shift requires a lot of self-awareness and patience, but the payoff is profound. Instead of waiting for someone else to fix our sadness, we learn to comfort ourselves. Instead of depending on external validation, we cultivate internal affirmation.
There’s something incredibly freeing about this realization. And also something majorly difficult to obtain and sustain. I trip and fall regularly. It is the beginning of a new chapter in my life where I am trying to shift away from focussing on relational security to feel secure and more so on my own personal growth. To trusting in myself and my own resilience to bring me security. I’m trying to focus on what I can control—how I respond, how I care for myself, and how I show up in the relationship—rather than waiting for him to be the perfect partner.
This doesn’t mean I lower my standards or settle for less than I deserve. It means I take ownership of my emotional health and recognize that my happiness is, ultimately, my responsibility. My partner can enhance my life, but he can’t be the sole source of my fulfillment.
Finding Balance
The balance between self-responsibility and partnership is delicate. On the one hand, relationships require mutual support, love, and care. On the other, we need to ensure that we’re not outsourcing our emotional needs entirely to someone else. It’s a dance between giving and receiving, between relying on our partner and cultivating our own inner resources.
For me, I’m trying to learn how to step back when I feel overwhelmed by disappointment or unmet expectations. It’s about asking myself, “What can I do to feel more grounded, more secure, more at peace?” rather than waiting for my partner to provide those feelings for me.
It’s an ongoing process—one that requires self-compassion and patience—but it’s also one that is bringing me closer to myself. Because in the end, while love is a powerful force, it’s not the entirety of our emotional well-being.
I love this line, "to learn how to step back when I feel overwhelmed by disappointment or unmet expectations..It’s a dance" That it is. I had a situation recently, for which I was navigating a frustration with them, and had connect with myself -- where can I put down the strength of an expectation and own some of my resourcing but also be merciful in my delivery while still asking for what I'm worth and what I need. The softer expression with a little humor, has actually, made a difference. And we're getting there. One step back and forward at a time. winnk ~ Ash