Projective identification is an unconscious defense mechanism that people use against their own uncomfortable feelings by projecting them onto another person often by behaving in ways that elicit the feelings the projector is attempting to defend against.
This creates a cycle where the projector's internal conflicts are played out in the relationship with the other person.
It involves a three-step process:
Projection: Someone unconsciously projects their unwanted or intolerable feelings, thoughts, or parts of themselves onto another person. This can include feelings of shame, anger, fear, guilt, or even aspects of the self that are deemed unacceptable.
Induction: The person onto whom these feelings are projected starts to unconsciously identify with and experience these projected feelings or characteristics. They may begin to feel, think, or behave in ways that reflect the projected aspects, often without realizing that these experiences are not originally theirs.
Interaction: The two people interact in a way that reinforces the projected feelings. The projector may behave towards the recipient in ways that elicit the projected responses, thus confirming the projector's unconscious belief about those feelings or traits.
Here is an example:
John has deep-seated self-hatred from childhood criticism, making him feel unworthy.
Projection: Instead of facing his self-hatred, John unconsciously projects these feelings onto his partner, Sarah, believing she thinks poorly of him.
Induction: John acts out by being critical or rude, provoking Sarah, believing she already feels negatively about him.
Interaction: Hurt and confused, Sarah responds critically or withdraws emotionally, saying things like, "Why are you always so negative?"
Reinforcement: Sarah's reactions confirm John's belief in his worthlessness, reinforcing his self-hatred and perpetuating the cycle.
This never ends well. Often creating dynamics in a relationship that undermine trust, security and safety. Which again is part of the defensive design.
Some people are able to work through this: to confront the earlier dynamics that created such a defensive system, to integrate and understand, to grow and repair. This is often effectively done in the context of our adult relationships. When we open ourselves up to be loved and accepted, we create a corrective emotional experience. In doing so, we rewire our brains to trust and receive love. Through this process, we can finally let go of the shame or belief that something is wrong with us. However, if you can’t let that love in, nothing changes.
What would a healthy conversation look like vs. the projected one