The Actual Right Way To Love
We only have one life. Personally, I want to fill mine with love. I want to experience the fullest expression of love with my partners, and I want to give just as much.
I've been working with couples for 15 years and have come to deeply appreciate the diverse ways in which they express and experience love. Today, we often understand love through the concept of things like the "love languages" – such as touch, acts of care, acts of service, and time spent together. We think about sharing emotions, saying “I love you,” “I miss you,” hugs, kisses, passionate sex, thoughtful gestures and all the gushy lovey dovey stuff that looks and feels like love.
But what about those who do not crave this, who struggle to give it, and are completely okay with that? Is it a problem? I’d say no, it isn’t a problem as long as it doesn’t create issues in their life. However, for most people, this will lead to problems because they may end up in relationships with someone who craves a version of love they struggle to provide. Alternatively, they might find themselves in a relationship lacking that sweet version of love and one day hit a very lonely wall, feeling confused and lost.
So…Should we all crave thoughtfulness, togetherness, touch, and the warm, fuzzy feelings of love? Is that the ultimate goal?
I don't have a definitive answer.
What I do know from my experience is that couples who express love in these traditional lovey ways tend to fare better. Those who don't often appear disconnected, report lower levels of satisfaction and higher levels of loneliness.
Everyone wants to be loved, to feel special, and to be cherished. If someone denies this desire, it can almost always be traced back to a lonely and scary childhood where love was never received. This is about trauma and how it persists in the present.
Moving past this trauma requires accepting that one never learned how to love.
This acceptance involves confronting a profound loss – the loss of childhood and other fundamental needs. Learning to love again requires building relationships with loving people, learning to accept their love, and then learning to reciprocate that love.
How to love?
We often talk about the five love languages, which have become popularized and serve as a helpful metaphor for identifying how we want to be loved. However, I believe it's more complex than just five ways of communicating. All love languages are important at various times, and developing the capacity to speak them all is necessary for sustaining loving relationships over the long term.
Expressing affirmation is crucial in any relationship. We need to give the people we love positive feedback, whether about small or large things. Making someone feel understood and appreciated requires using our words to do so. Spending time together is essential for all relationships. While the quantity and frequency may vary, the regularity of spending time together is more important than the specific numbers. Without it, the relationship will become disconnected.
Acts of service, though sometimes underestimated, are extremely necessary. These can be small gestures like bringing your partner a glass of water, buying their favorite drink, or packing a bag for them. Our partners should share in the efforts of building a household, life, and relationship together, supporting us in our daily lives.
Gifts, while seemingly trivial, are important during certain milestones. It doesn't have to be an extravagant gift; celebrating someone with a thoughtful gesture is essential. This doesn’t mean daily gifts are necessary, but for milestones, birthdays, or when you see something your partner would like, getting it for them is meaningful.
Touch is incredibly important. It conveys what words cannot. This includes holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and other forms of loving touch. I also consider sex to be a love language. While this doesn't apply to asexual individuals, for couples in sexual relationships, regular sex can significantly enhance the feeling of love. Sex is one of the most vulnerable things you can do with a partner, and couples who engage in regular sexual activity tend to get along better. When I say sex, I don’t necessarily mean penetration – it includes any kind of sexual interaction, like mutual masturbation or oral sex.
So, it's not about picking one love language but embracing all of them, every day, whether near or far. This is what it means to love. We should genuinely want to do these things for our partners. Even if it's not how we naturally give or receive love, love means taking great joy in making our partners happy and making them feel loved. If you can’t fully relax into a space where you feel love by expressing love for your partner, that's a red flag.
The major challenge in developing loving relationships is that most people don't prioritize them. They don't put in the intentional effort required. Instead, they focus more on their work and refuse to do the relational work necessary to overcome the trauma that prevents them from giving and receiving love. This leads to dynamics in relationships that result in conflict, disconnection, and sometimes the ending of the relationship.
It's crucial that we work through the barriers that prevent us from giving and receiving love in ways that foster healthy relationships.
We only have one life. Personally, I want to fill mine with love. I want to experience the fullest expression of love with my partners, and I want to give just as much.
While work, independence, and having an identity outside of relationships are important, making sure our primary relationships are full of love must be a priority.
To me, this is what it means to heal and grow in the context of our adult relationships. Learning or relearning how to love provides the most healing, and this can only be achieved with an adult partner.
If you can't give love in these ways or if you choose partners who can't, you can be sure that your trauma is driving your behavior. In this case, it's the inner child within you that is driving the bus. Tell them that they can finally take a break. That you can take over. You the competent adult who can get to finally give and receive love in ways that you both have always wanted. Otherwise, you are having a second childhood in adulthood. And that is a misery that none of us want.