The Universal Fear of Being Unloved
I was interviewing a guest on my podcast, OurDiagnonsense, and we were talking about the fear of being unloved. This is something I discuss with all of my clients and in my personal therapy. I believe this fear is universal, perhaps even a part of what it means to be alive. Whether it is expressed as a conscious narrative with the words, “I’m afraid someone will not love me,” or something more unconscious like anxiety about the pressure to be perfect or to impress, we all carry the fear that someone will not love us, reject us, dislike us, fire us, and that we will lose everything and be alone forever.
We learn this fear. Starting in childhood, we experience what it’s like when a parent removes their love or even threatens to remove it. Whether through religion, dysfunctional family dynamics, or toxic cultural values, we learn repeatedly that we don’t measure up, that we aren’t normal, and that we will be rejected and unloved if we present a certain way or if we are a certain way. As a result, early on, we develop ways of being with others and the world. We develop entire personalities based on how we have learned to cope and defend ourselves from this fear.
One common defense mechanism is the need to control our environment and the people in it. By trying to control situations and relationships, we attempt to create a sense of safety and predictability. This need for control can manifest in various ways, such as micromanaging our surroundings, being overly critical of ourselves and others, or avoiding vulnerability to prevent getting hurt.
Another coping mechanism is turning to alcohol, drugs, or other addictions to numb the fear and anxiety. These substances or behaviors can provide temporary relief but often lead to further complications and issues in our lives and relationships.
We might also grasp onto certain things, places, jobs, or people to ground us, giving us the illusion of safety. We may believe that having the best body, the most money, or the best job will safeguard us against our fears. However, this doesn’t work because the underlying fear remains unaddressed, continuing to drive our actions and feelings of inadequacy.
This fear and the accompanying need for control can cause an avoidance of relationships or deep connections. We might keep others at arm’s length to protect ourselves from potential rejection and hurt. This avoidance creates a paradoxical situation where the very fear of being unloved and alone drives behaviors that keep us disconnected and isolated.
Furthermore, the fear of being unloved creates a persistent anxiety around connection. We become anxious about our interactions and relationships, constantly questioning if we are being accepted or if we are at risk of rejection. This anxiety can manifest in various ways, impacting our intimate relationships and overall well-being.
I might even go as far as to say that this fear influences all areas of our lives. Whether or not you are aware of it, it is there. The best thing we can do is to accept that we are indeed afraid—afraid of it all—and that this fear is deeply connected to our early experiences when we first learned to be afraid. When the consequences truly were scary and something to fear.
It’s important that when our fear of being unloved, rejected, or disliked arises, we do not continue to engage in coping behaviors that only reinforce our fears. Instead, it’s crucial that we learn to tolerate and soothe the fear. We can use this fear as a reminder of where we once came from, beginning to reconcile those earlier experiences and process the accompanying losses. We must relearn how to deal with fear itself. And how we deal with those fears is not by becoming perfect, people-pleasing, or distancing ourselves from intimacy. We manage our fears by soothing ourselves, reminding ourselves that we are safe, and recognizing that we don’t need all this fancy protection. We manage our fears by facing them, being ourselves, and showing ourselves acceptance and love. That has to be enough.
Read more about this in my book How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind. Get your copy here.