7 Things to do For Better Relationships
Growing up I never heard the word relational health. I never heard my parents work through conflict or express love. In school, no one talked about emotions or mental health. There was nothing. No information, no awareness. I was literally going insane; I was deeply suffering and everyone was carrying on like life was a fucking fantasy. It was WILD. And it was worse for our parents and so on.
Now, however, it’s EVERYWHERE. It’s almost overkill but thankfully there is information, access, and culturally we’re addressing things like trauma and the importance of relational health. FUCKING FINALLY. And all of us are playing a big game of catch up.
Doing what I do, I spend hours, and have for over 13 years (can’t believe it’s been that long), helping people have better relationships. And for me things seem obvious. Like of course there are certain things, specific steps we can take to make our relationships better. So if you want a simplified guide here it is.
It’s actually pretty straight forward…
Develop self-awareness about how your upbringing (culture, family, trauma, attachment) has impacted who you are relationally. Understand your wounds and how they are triggered in your relationship.
Share this with your partner. Ask about their history and develop a deep understanding and appreciation of it.
Manage conflict as it arises. Some conflict will be easily solvable but most conflict won’t. You will have to identify the underlying issues that create this conflict together. Tolerate it and accept it. Spend time on processing it and then on repairing. Sometimes it’s the repair thats more important.
SHOW F*CKING LOVE - a lot of it. Don’t stick to one stupid love language. That to me is repression and fear. Do all the things. Cherish each other. Explicitly. Nurture the connection in all the ways you possibly can.
Have SEX. Yes have lots of sex. Keep in mind sex doesn’t mean penetration and it doesn’t even have to be an orgasm. Sex = love and connection. So it can be anything from mutual masturbation to oral to just making out naked. But connect physically. This is one of the most vulnerable things we do and it can reestablish connection
Have a life outside of your relationship. Your relationship cannot (quite literally cannot) be your everything. You need to have friends, activities, people and places that bring stimulation and excitement into your life. That doesn’t mean you can’t get the bulk of life satisfaction from a partner but it can’t all be on your relationship.
Accept limitations and stop expecting perfection. We’re all very disappointing people and hard to be with. Everyone. That is OK. Learn how to understand your partner’s limitations while staying connected to the things you love about them.
And look, if you’re not doing or deeply struggling with these things that doesn’t mean you should beat the shit out of yourself. Do not. The minute you start being mean to yourself is the minute you prevent your growth and keep yourself stuck. So don’t even go there. You will fuck up. But there is meaning as to why you’re not able to do these things. And you need to understand that so you can move forward in your life. For most people, the meaning is also pretty straight forward. It’s about trauma. I know trauma is trending these days but for good reason.
You struggle to act on your own behalf and create healthy relationships because of your trauma. Thats it. And your struggle is an unconscious expression of resistance. Resistance to fully accepting the losses implied by your trauma. Work through this.