Relationships Aren’t a Mystery

Relationships are hard in terms of what they bring up—what they demand from us emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. But when it comes to how to make them work, the blueprint isn’t that complex. The mechanics aren’t rocket science. No one’s trying to plan life on Mars here. Relationships, when stripped down to their bones, are simple. What makes them feel impossible is us—our defenses, our unconscious habits, our emotional conditioning, and the fact that most of us show up to love with very little awareness of the roles we play, the unhelpful defenses we lead with, or who we become once we’re in it.

So what’s the secret?

Know your wounds. Know your partner’s wounds. Know what triggers them. Understand the assumptions you make about them—especially the ones you think are facts. Accept their limitations. Be more curious than reactive. Focus on repair more than resolution. Have sex. Or joy. Or pleasure. Go on adventures. Don’t yell. Don’t be mean. Apologize. Be warm. Prioritize each other. Make them feel chosen. I could keep going, and it would still boil down to this: be nice. Have a good time. And yes, that sounds basic—but it’s the hardest thing in the world when your trauma is screaming at you.

Being nice to someone you’re furious with is not intuitive. Especially when you lack empathy for them because you haven’t made peace with your own pain. If you don’t understand what shaped you, how the hell are you supposed to hold space for what shaped them?