How to Love Without Certainty

We live in a culture obsessed with certainty. Especially when it comes to love. We're told we should feel sure—about our partner and our future with them forever. That if it’s right, we’ll “just know.” That relationships should feel effortless, intuitive, and always aligned. And if not, you're with the wrong person. You're in the wrong relationship. Or worse—you’re not healed enough to deserve love. It’s woven into relationship advice that masquerades as empowerment but is often just fantasy. The language is aspirational, vague, and rigid: “If they wanted to, they would.” “You deserve someone who chooses you every day.” “Don’t settle.” “Wait for the person who feels like home.” These phrases sound good on the surface, but most of them imply the same thing: if there’s struggle, if there’s doubt, if you're not 100% clear at all times, something is wrong. It’s nonsense.

This push to analyze our way into clarity is a fantasy. It’s rooted not in love, but in fear. It's the part of us that says, “If I know this will work, then I can finally relax.” If I know this is my person, I can stop scanning for threats. If I have a guarantee, I don’t have to be vulnerable. But here’s the truth: if you’re waiting for something permanent and fixed, you’re not looking for love. You’re looking for control.

And control will not make you feel safe. Ever. What will?

Presence. Relational skills. A full emotional toolbox. The ability to tolerate discomfort. The willingness to stay connected even when it’s hard. The capacity to say, “This is scary, and I want to try.”