How You Co-Create Your Own Disappointment

Every couple is stuck in one way or another. It shows up in different ways — sex that isn’t happening, conversations that never go deeper, fun that keeps getting postponed. One partner asks for something, the other shuts down, avoids, or simply says “no.” Conflict might follow, or maybe just a quiet disappointment. But what happens next is almost always the same: eventually, the one who asked stops asking. They shut down too.

This is the dynamic I see everywhere: in my clients, in my friends, in myself. You want something; your partner doesn’t give it. You push; they resist. You feel rejected; you withdraw. You tell yourself not to want it anymore. You stop bringing it up.

And before you realize it, the relationship has been reorganized around that wall — their wall, and your withdrawal. Their refusal becomes the architecture of the relationship — and our accommodation becomes the scaffolding that holds it up.