Intention in Relationships

Why We Need It, Why We Avoid It, and How to Create It

Intention is about purpose. It's the underlying why behind behavior. It’s the internal compass that organizes our actions, gives them meaning, and makes them coherent to others. Being in relationships with intention is about integrity and honesty. It’s a way of creating clarity—or at the very least, acknowledging the absence of it, which ironically can create clarity and connection. The point isn’t to label a motivation or behavior as good or bad. It’s to understand what you want and communicate it—even if you’re still figuring it out—so everyone’s on the same page.

Without intention, relationships descend into chaos. The absence of intention is often protective. It keeps us from having to face reality. If I don’t say what I want, I can’t be disappointed when I don’t get it. If I don’t name the relationship, I can keep pretending it’s more than it is. If I don’t set boundaries, I don’t have to deal with the fear of being "too much."

Avoiding intention allows us to stay in fantasy, avoid accountability, dodge rejection, cling to ambiguity, and maintain the illusion of control. It’s a way of surviving emotionally, especially if we have histories of abandonment, trauma, or emotional neglect. But what protects us in the short term often harms us in the long term. What we don’t name becomes the thing that names us—the pain, the repetition, the unconscious patterns we can’t seem to escape. The confusion, mistrust, mixed signals, repeated cycles of conflict, anxious-avoidant spirals, pain masked as passion.