Is THAT Kind of Love Even Real?

The type of love I write about sometimes sounds like science fiction, something like: a partner who sees you, hears you, checks in, doesn’t flinch at vulnerability, wants to have good sex and good conversations, who knows how to fight fair and repair fast. You know, the works. And one of the most common questions I get—whether it’s in my DMs, in session, or over drinks with friends—is some version of this: "Does that kind of love even exist?"

But here’s what I really believe: The kind of love that checks every box doesn’t just exist or appear out of nowhere. It’s built. Actively. Intentionally. From day one—with yourself and with whoever you’re dating. You don’t stumble into real love. You make it—through every choice, every interaction, every moment you show up with honesty, curiosity, and care. And no, it’s never perfect. You will fight. You will clash. But in a healthy relationship, those moments don’t erase the foundation—they’re held by it. A foundation where you feel loved, seen, respected—and where you return the same. That’s what makes the mess survivable. Even beautiful.

So, yes, it exists—but not without effort. Not without intention. Not without the kind of honesty and self-awareness that most people haven’t been taught or modeled. Unless you actively go out of your way to learn those things, you’re going to repeat your patterns. You’re going to default to protection over connection. That’s not because you’re broken. That’s because you’re human.

So understand that love is not luck. Love is not fate. Love is not magic. Love is a skill.