It's a Capacity Thing
Understanding Someone’s Limits
Understanding capacity is a confusing experience—especially when it’s about someone you love. A parent, a partner, a friend, or even an ex you’re trying to make sense of. Our minds almost can’t compute it. Because capacity issues rarely announce themselves directly. They show up in subtle, disorienting ways.
No one arrives saying, “Hey, I’m severely dysregulated even though I look fine. I won’t be able to show up for you, and I might even blame you for things that are actually mine.”
There’s no avoidant person who says, “I’m going to pull away, disappear emotionally, and make you feel too much—even though it’s my shame, not your worth.”
No parent says, “I will make everything about me because I can’t tolerate your needs, and it’s not because you’re unlovable.”
It would be nice. It would save a lot of hurt. But that’s the paradox of limited capacity: someone with limited capacity doesn’t have the capacity to see their own limitations. They can’t be honest with themselves about their flaws, their emotional immaturity, or how their behavior impacts relationships. So they can’t be honest with you either. Instead, it comes out as distance, cruelty, confusion, blame, manipulation, shutdown, or emotional volatility.
