Most Arguments Are Dumb

Most arguments are dumb. Not because the people in them are dumb. Not because the issues don’t matter. And certainly not because conflict itself is unhealthy. Conflict is inevitable. Necessary, even.

They’re dumb because they’re usually about the wrong thing.

You argue about dishes. About who texted first. About tone. About the fact that they were twenty minutes late. About the fact that they didn’t ask how your meeting went. About whose family you’re seeing for Thanksgiving. About who forgot to buy toilet paper. About whether they should have come to bed earlier. About who initiated sex last.

And while those things may deserve to be talked about, they are rarely what the argument is actually about. Most conflict is surface. Underneath it is something far more vulnerable that we struggle to say out loud.

“I felt alone.”

“I felt unimportant.”

“I was scared.”

“I felt rejected.”

“I don’t know if you still choose me.”

Those are much harder conversations to have. So instead we argue about the dishes. This is where the emotion lands. Because feelings don’t always arrive with language. Sometimes they arrive as irritation. Sometimes they arrive as criticism. Sometimes they arrive as control. Sometimes they arrive as defensiveness. Sometimes they arrive disguised as logic.

But underneath all of that is usually a human trying to make sense of some perceived threat to connection. When we don’t know how to identify that threat, we fight about whatever happens to be standing closest to it.