I’ve found that psychology—all the analysis and processing of my thoughts and emotions—has only taken me so far. I realized this a long time ago and have since reinvested much of my focus into Buddhist and existential philosophies to help me understand the gaps that psychology has left.
One concept I’ve come across recently that I find interesting, and think you might too, is the idea of letting things go, of saying “no big deal” as a way to deescalate and show up for ourselves in a compassionate way. This isn’t to minimize ourselves but to better understand the habitual places we go that create major suffering. I find this particularly relevant in relationships. It is so easy to become triggered, to make everything a big deal, to feel invalidated, to withdraw, to be aggressive, to fight—to do everything in response to something we believe is a big deal. Social media has told us what is considered a big deal, and we feel self-righteous in thinking certain things are a big deal. But everything cannot be a big deal, yet most of our emotional reactions trick us into thinking they are.
I'm 100% into this idea of softening—of reframing internal conflicts in a way that deescalates the intensities we feel, especially when triggered in our relationships. The feeling of something being a big deal often creates a sense of urgency, anxiety, anger, and a variety of other emotional experiences that are simply unhelpful and unproductive.
Things usually feel like a big deal not because of what is happening in the here-and-now but because of who we have become in our life—because of our story with our family or our identity in the world. Unhealed parts of ourselves make things feel like a big deal, something we must address, something we must receive validation for. But must we? Is it actually a big deal? Or should we instead focus more on breathing into our emotions and understanding what they suggest about our own story?
On the one hand, we actually do need to learn how to drop certain complaints and criticisms. Yet, on the other hand, we have to work through challenges as they arise. So what do you do?
Navigating Emotional Triggers
What is a big deal? What isn’t? When do you just drop it, try to recenter yourself, and breathe through whatever discomfort it brings up?
I don’t really have an answer for you. This is something I am currently working on daily. When you experience trauma or grow up in a world that tells you you are less than and lack value simply because of who you are, triggers can be everywhere, especially in your relationships. When triggered, it will feel like an absolute truth that it is a big deal. But it likely isn’t.
What I've learned is that it isn’t important to understand what is or isn’t a big deal. There is no definitive reference point for what constitutes a big deal, so you can throw that wish out the window. What is important is to understand why we react, respond, and feel the way we do. Use whatever feels like a big deal as information to better understand yourself. Do this first, before you become reactive and demand your partner do something for you.
If what you want is closeness and connection, leading with large emotions, condemning and criticizing, and fighting certainly isn’t going to get you there. Approaching your partner from the place of “this is a big deal,” meaning you’re feeling large emotions that you want them to soothe, actually does more harm than good.
Practical Tips from Buddhist Philosophy
Non-Attachment:
Embrace the principle of non-attachment by recognizing the impermanent nature of all things. Understand that clinging to desires, outcomes, or identities can lead to suffering. Practice letting go of rigid expectations and accepting things as they are.
Impermanence:
Reflect on the concept of impermanence, which teaches that all experiences, emotions, and situations are temporary. Everything ends. Everyone dies. This understanding can help you let go of intense emotions and view challenges with greater equanimity.
The Middle Way:
Follow the Middle Way by avoiding extremes in thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. Strive for balance and moderation in all aspects of life, which can help you respond to situations with greater wisdom and calmness.
Mindful Speech:
Practice mindful speech by considering the impact of your words before speaking. Ask yourself if your words are true, necessary, and kind. This can prevent harmful reactions and promote constructive communication.
Self-Inquiry:
Reflect and investigate the nature of your mind and experiences. Instead of blaming, this practice can help you uncover the root causes of your emotional reactions and develop profound self-awareness.
Gratitude:
Regularly practice gratitude by acknowledging and appreciating the positive aspects of your life. This can shift your focus away from what you perceive as problems and foster a more positive outlook.
Compassionate Self-Talk:
Use compassionate self-talk to soothe yourself during difficult times. Speak to yourself with kindness and understanding.
Super helpful; thanks Todd!
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️