Read If You Want a Better Relationship

People love to romanticize relationships. We talk about “the right match,” “compatibility,” “good fit,” “bad fit.” We obsess over the person across from us as though they hold the secret to our happiness. But here’s what I’ve learned in 14 years of working with couples — and in living my own relationships:

Relationships aren’t about “right person vs. wrong person.” They’re about dynamics.

And dynamics follow a formula. Always.

At the beginning, things are easy. Chemistry, novelty, dopamine. Everything feels light, fun, promising. Then it gets hard — because relationships stir up everything you’ve buried. They wake your oldest wounds. They activate your defenses. They force you into the exact patterns you swore you’d never repeat.

And then comes the part that actually matters: what you do with the rupture. Because ruptures aren’t a glitch in the system — they are the system. Every relationship breaks down. Every relationship requires repair. The difference between couples who grow and couples who implode isn’t whether problems show up, it’s whether they can withstand the process of working through them.

What a “Dynamic” Actually Is

When I say “dynamic,” I mean the circular pattern of action and reaction that forms between two people. It’s not one person’s fault. It’s not “your partner is the problem.” It’s the loop you both create.

Here are a few of the classics:

• Resentment loops. One partner does more — plans more, cares more, manages more. They don’t ask for help directly, or they ask once and give up. The other partner learns: “Okay, they’ll handle it.” But over time, frustration builds. The silent do-er simmers, the non-do-er senses the resentment, pulls away, and does even less. Round and round.

• Pursue–retreat. One partner craves closeness, reaches out, initiates connection. The other feels pressured, retreats. The more one chases, the more the other distances. This shows up everywhere: from texting (one sends three in a row, the other goes silent) to sex (one reaches, the other shuts down) to planning vacations (one organizes, the other avoids). Both feel rejected. Both escalate the dance.

• Criticize–shut down. One partner voices discontent — sometimes gently, sometimes harshly. The other feels attacked and shuts down. Silence fuels more criticism. Criticism fuels deeper shutdown. Neither person feels heard. Both walk away convinced they’re the victim.

Every couple has a version of these. Actions → reactions → circularity. Anyone can start it. Anyone can perpetuate it. And unless someone interrupts it with awareness, it becomes the story of the relationship.