The Importance of What Wasn't Provided
“When we think of trauma or abuse, we often focus on what was done. But what is just as important is what wasn’t done, provided, or allowed for.”
This is a quote from my book How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind. (Please pre-order it :-) hugs). It’s an important one if we are to ever understand who we’ve become as a result of our trauma.
When talking about trauma and its aftermath, we spend a lot of our time focussing on what happened (e.g. neglect, physical abuse, abandonment etc). We often forget an equally crucial aspect which is what didn't happen as a result of trauma. This includes the absence of relational safety and nurturing, which are vital for psychological and emotional growth.
For many people who have experienced trauma, what didn't happen was the presence of a safe and nurturing environment where they could openly express their feelings, seek comfort, and receive support. What's wild is that many people are quick to dismiss the importance of receiving this from a caregiver, of having this security in an attachment relationship. These relationships, and the lack of safety provided, serve as a blueprint for how we come to understand ourselves, others, and the world around us. They have far-reaching effects, often following us throughout our lives.
If we are to address trauma, we also have to understand these deficits and seek relational environments that can create opportunities for a corrective experience.
This is why therapy was so helpful for me. Starting from a very young age I had a relationship with a therapist that served as an alternative model. One that was safe, affirming, and nurturing. In this space, I could experience what I wasn’t getting at home.
This is why recovering from trauma, (whatever that even means) is about much more than self-love. It’s about relational love. Since all traumas are relational in nature the only way we can truly heal and have corrective experiences is by participating in relationships that are safe, nurturing, and conducive to personal growth.
These are experiences that challenge and reshape negative beliefs and behaviors stemming from trauma. For example, someone who has experienced betrayal may learn to trust again through supportive and trustworthy relationships. Similarly, individuals who have faced emotional neglect may learn to express and receive love and care in healthy ways within nurturing relationships.