The Stories We Tell When We Feel Unseen

One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship—especially a close, committed one—is how easily we can feel hurt, wronged, or emotionally abandoned when we don’t feel seen. And I don’t mean a gentle “Oof, that stung.” I mean the kind of pain where, if my partner doesn’t fully understand, validate, or attend to my emotional state right now, I might spiral into disappointment, despair, and resentment. I might even hate them a little. Or a lot.

Of course, that pain often has its roots in history, not just the present moment. The intensity of the reaction is usually about far more than the immediate situation—it’s tapping into old attachment wounds, unmet childhood needs, and survival strategies. But I’m not writing about trauma right now. I’m writing about the work of differentiation: how to stay connected to another person without losing ourselves every time we feel unseen.

Because when we feel misunderstood by someone we love, it’s easy—so easy—to start telling ourselves a story:

• They don’t care about me.

• They don’t love me.

• They never think about my needs.

• I always have to bring things up.

• I would never treat them like this.

These stories are compelling. They give the ego a clear enemy: someone to blame for our pain. But most of the time, they’re distortions. Or at best, partial truths—real frustrations inflated by fear, old wounds, and the unconscious demand that our partner repair something that happened long before they arrived.

And when those stories take over, we often react in ways that create more distance, not more connection. We withdraw, lash out, collapse, over-function, shut down. We weaponize our pain. Not because we’re bad people, but because that’s what we’ve learned to do to survive disconnection.

But if we want a different kind of relationship—one rooted in mutual respect, steadiness, and real intimacy—we have to learn a different way. We have to learn to stay with ourselves and stay with our partner, even when we feel like unraveling.

That’s what differentiation makes possible.