We Don’t Heal First and Love Later

Our culture keeps feeding us this lie: you must be healed before you can be in a relationship. That idea is simply wrong. All wounds are relational. And therefore, repair requires relationship. Not healing in isolation, but healing in the presence of others who can meet us. Who can reflect back something different than the abandonment or distortion we originally experienced. This can happen—and does happen—in all types of relationships. Friendships. Lovers. Companions. Chosen family. It doesn't have to be romantic. But it does have to be real.

For some, this is incredibly difficult—because part of their defense is distancing themselves from love. They intellectualize their wounds. They avoid vulnerability. They keep people at arm’s length while claiming to be working on themselves. In this sense, healing and recovery become thwarted by the defense itself. We push love away. We recreate the dynamics of aloneness that fuel our wounds. And we do it all unconsciously.

That’s why it’s so important to be intentional—to be mindful about the relationships we choose and how we care for them. Healing is not just about boundaries and space. It’s about connection. And we need to treat the people who offer us genuine, nourishing connection like sacred allies in that process.