What Good Couples Therapy Actually Looks Like
I genuinely believe every couple should be in therapy. Not because people are broken or incapable, but because relationships are incredibly complex and most of us are walking around triggered, defended, and completely unaware of how much our childhoods are running the show.
Two people, each with their own nervous system, history, wounds, and blind spots, trying to sort through all of that on their own is a tall order. Too tall, in my opinion. By the time a couple is in distress, they are usually reenacting patterns they cannot see, reacting to each other as symbols from the past rather than as who is actually in front of them.
This is where couples therapy comes in. And just like relationships, every couples therapist has a different style. Some are quiet and let the partners fill the space. Some barely interact at all. Some ask gentle questions like “How does that make you feel?” and focus mostly on validation, sending communication and active listening. Others are more active, directive, and confrontational. Some rarely give advice. Others offer a lot. Some focus on logistics in the present and ignore the past. Some only focus on the past and ignore the present.
As a couples therapist I challenge. I push. I make jokes. I ask how something feels, but not in the cliché therapy way. I am biased, of course, but I have always believed that this kind of dynamic is the most helpful for couples who are stuck. Lately, I have been hearing from patients and friends about their own couples therapists, many of whom do very little intervening and mostly reflect or guide. People love it. I know I could never be that therapist. Sitting quietly or only offering soft prompts is not who I am. I am direct. I am blunt. And still, it is interesting to see how different styles can be genuinely useful for different couples.
After years of my own therapy and years of practicing, here is what I’ve learned: the “best” style of couples therapy is whatever actually helps the couple change their dynamic. But I of course have an opinion about what that is…
To me, that means therapy that looks deeply at how childhood shapes the way people show up as adults. It moves fluidly between past, present, and future. It offers direct feedback, concrete tools, homework, and real-life examples of how to recognize wounds, build empathy for yourself and your partner, and create new ways of relating. It helps people love themselves more and love their partners better. It supports differentiation so each person can stay connected without disappearing. Sometimes that means clearly naming people’s patterns (and their bullshit) and gently interrupting them. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking a couple to stand up, breathe together, or hug for thirty seconds. All of it is in service of creating, for one hour, a living dynamic that is open, honest, real, and safe.
