Seriously though, what even matters?
We all have a variety of ideas about what we want from a relationship. What we’ve told ourselves we need from a partner. The timing of commitment. When to move in, when to marry, and when to have kids. How much sex do we want? And how do we factor our age into all of these goals? Many of us put a timeline on these milestones and carefully weigh our age against our current relationship’s progression. But out of all of this, what matters? Is it all important? Is it just cultural BS we’ve internalized? Is it our childhood trauma unconsciously expressed as a “need” or want? Or is it reasonable? And if it is reasonable, is it even realistic?
So what even matters? Well, in order for a relationship to be satisfying, fulfilling, nice, sexy, and fun - some things actually do matter.
First, you need togetherness, connection, and intimacy. You need a solid “we.”
Not two me’s. Not one day we’re an us and on another day “I,” “I,” “I.” But “we.” A couple needs to create a foundation for their relationship that is defined by a sense of “WE.” The “we” basically means that you and your partner have committed to sharing and building a life together as partners and companions. That you are each other’s priority and will do things to ensure that foundation remains solid no matter what. This is the basis of what it means to do attachment.
Second, you need willingness, flexibility, and growth.
The whole point of a relationship is to grow - together and as a result, as individuals. This is where both partners push each other to be better versions of themselves. Sometimes this is explicit through requests and need fulfillment, other times it’s more motivation and inspiration. This often comes from a sense of willingness. Willingness to be open and grow - to change. A willingness to take responsibility for the role we play in all dynamics - the good and the bad. A willingness to work at it. A willingness to take criticism and to be better. For each other. For the “we” of it all. And in that space, the ego needs to dissipate to a healthy extent where we can be flexible to accommodate our partner’s wishes and expect the same in return. And even more flexibility when challenges arise. A flexibility to pivot, have patience, and change.
Third, you need to do for one another. To take care of one another.
To do thoughtful things. To say wonderfully sweet things. To communicate behaviorally and verbally, “Baby, I got you and I love you.” And not just once. But every day. This is relational hygiene. Many people come from families who never did this. Who never said or did nice things. As a result, they tend to form relationships with others as adults that mirror this type of coldness. But relationships, good ones, don’t thrive in the cold. They need warmth in order to nourish. So it’s important that we bring our warmest selves to our relationship daily. Like a garden, without our warmth, without the daily acts of service, the flowers - the herbs - the beautiful things in our garden will simply wilt and die.
Fourth, you need consistency, reliability, and honesty.
We need to be able to rely on our partners to show up consistently and reliably. This is what it means to be honest. We need the ongoing sharing of information to keep deepening and expanding intimacy. If one or both partners are consistently withholding, that’s a problem and a barrier. The purpose of withholding is to create distance. Distance is not honest. Distance is not warm. Distance is a disaster. Consistency, reliability, and honesty are what form safe relationships. Without these elements, relationships can become vehicles for reenacting earlier traumas, and the relationship itself can become a source of trauma in one's life.
By no means is this list exhaustive, nor is it in order of importance. Generally, we need all of these things at once: togetherness - a "we," a desire to please, a willingness to change, and flexibility to have patience. We need to be honest and open. We need to do our very best. And this is why relationships are so hard.
But honestly, what’s harder is not doing this. Having relationships that are cold, distant, and ultimately unloving. What’s harder is reliving childhood with an adult partner.
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