It’s a scene we desperately seek while dating: a first date where everything clicks, conversation flows effortlessly, and sparks fly. We want that unmistakable rush of excitement, often labeled “chemistry” or an instant connection. The spark. Many people see this spark as a sign that they’ve met someone special—a romantic green light signaling long-term potential. But here’s the thing: that spark isn’t always what it seems. In fact, it can be misleading, and mistaking it for compatibility can set us up for disappointment.
The truth is, a spark in the early stages of dating is more often a projection than a reflection of genuine connection. It’s not based on any real information about who the other person is, but rather on unconscious projections of our desires, fantasies, and unresolved emotional issues. Essentially, that rush of excitement we feel has little to do with the person sitting across from us and much more to do with the story we’re telling ourselves about them.
The Projection of Desires and Fantasies
When we experience that initial spark, it’s tempting to assume it’s a sign of deep compatibility. But what’s really happening is often a projection of what we hope or want the other person to be. At the beginning of a relationship, we know very little about our new love interest, which means we’re mostly relying on surface-level impressions. In that space of uncertainty, our minds fill in the gaps with our own fantasies, desires, and idealized notions of love.
For example, let’s say you’ve been longing for a partner who’s thoughtful and attentive. On the first date, your date asks you a few insightful questions, and suddenly, your brain fills in the blanks, leading you to believe they must be incredibly considerate and emotionally intelligent. But this impression isn’t based on much real information—it’s based on your hope that they’ll meet your idealized version of what you need in a partner.
This dynamic can be especially strong when we have unresolved emotional wounds, such as abandonment issues or low self-worth. If we’ve spent much of our lives feeling unworthy or unloved, meeting someone who shows us a hint of attention can feel intoxicating. We project our unmet emotional needs onto the person, interpreting the spark as proof that they’ll heal our wounds or give us the love we’ve been craving.
The Deception of False Intimacy
The problem with relying on the spark is that it can create a sense of false intimacy. That instant connection feels so real that we’re convinced we’re getting to know someone on a deep level. But in reality, we’re often just connecting with our own projections.
This is why relationships that start with intense chemistry often burn out quickly. When the initial spark fades and we begin to see the other person for who they really are, we may find that the relationship lacks the depth or compatibility we initially believed it had. The real person behind the projection might not live up to the expectations we’ve unconsciously placed on them, leading to disappointment and frustration.
As the relationship progresses, the projections fall away, and we’re left to face the truth: that spark wasn’t a sign of true compatibility. It was a projection of what we wanted to see in the other person, not who they actually were.
Building Real Relationships: Beyond the Spark
So, what’s the alternative? How do we avoid the trap of mistaking a spark for a genuine connection?
The key is to shift our focus from seeking sparks to seeking substance. Real, lasting relationships are built on a foundation of trust, mutual respect, and compatibility, none of which can be determined in the early stages of dating. True connection grows over time as you gather real information about the other person—their values, how they treat you, and how they navigate life’s challenges.
Ask yourself: is this person reliable? Do they show up for you in meaningful ways? Are they respectful, kind, and thoughtful? These qualities are far more important than the fleeting excitement of a spark. While the initial chemistry can feel intoxicating, it’s the everyday moments—how you handle conflict, how you support each other, how you grow together—that truly define a lasting partnership.
It’s not about dismissing chemistry altogether. Physical and emotional attraction are important components of a relationship. But don’t let the spark blind you to the deeper work of building a strong foundation. Instead of looking for the rush of excitement, focus on getting to know the person in front of you—who they truly are, not who you hope they’ll be.
Patience
Cultivating a lasting relationship requires patience and a willingness to move beyond the instant gratification that sparks provide. It means being open to the slow burn of getting to know someone on a real, human level. It means staying grounded in reality, not in the fantasy of who someone might be.
Next time you feel that electric chemistry with someone new, take a step back. Remind yourself that sparks aren’t the ultimate indicator of compatibility or long-term potential. They’re a reflection of your own internal projections and desires, not a guarantee that this person will be a good partner.
Lasting love is built on so much more than a spark. It’s built on real compatibility, mutual respect, and a deep understanding of each other’s true selves. So, stop looking for sparks, and start looking for substance.
Also, if you haven’t bought my book and want to learn how to connect better you can get your copy of How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind here.
This is very wise! I will certainly implement this going forward. Go slow while trying to stay very much in the moment, letting go of expectations and ignoring projections. I can see a real challenge tho, as others will likely jump right back into their fast food dating and keep swiping, looking for the spark with all the endless options out there. Also, I feel like men often seek sex (fine, but be HONEST) but kind of fake this "getting to know you" phase. So it's disappointing........ all the more reason to proceed with caution before trusting our projections.
I haven’t met anyone in more than a decade that ‘sparked’ with me. I’ll keep this in mind if I ever need this information.