We are told to leave a relationship if it isn’t fulfilling, or to end it if our partner doesn’t appreciate our love. There’s an expectation that ending a relationship should be simple and swift. This can feel like gaslighting. Even if the relationship is undeniably awful, taking the next step to end it isn’t easy. The reasons why we might stay in an unsatisfying relationship, or worse, with a partner who mistreats us, are complex. Period.
Fear—no, terror—and anxiety often sit at the center of these decisions and are woven into the very fabric of the relationship itself. This creates a place of paralysis.
The fear comes from a place of trauma. If you’ve experienced trauma during childhood or adolescence, attachment becomes a place where you will reenact your earlier traumas. This happens both in terms of the dynamics that form and more symbolically in terms of how tethered, linked, stuck with, and defined we are by the object of our attachment relationship. Because of trauma, and the power of reenactment, unconsciously and in a very symbolic way, our relationship becomes a manifestation of our earlier relationships where the trauma occurred. In this sense, we were not allowed to leave. We were not allowed to be anything but in the relationship and were likely told to shut up and put up, or we were simply ignored, neglected, and abandoned.
As adults, just because we have freedom and free will doesn’t mean we will take it. It doesn’t mean we will act on it. Consciously, we may understand that a relationship needs to end, but on a deeper level, we may not feel like it’s something we can do. It may feel counterintuitive, like chopping off a limb we use.
Ending our adult relationships in this context requires us to confront our earlier trauma—the loss, loneliness, and pain we endured, which is fragmented and irreparably lost in our minds, lost to the point of irrelevance.
Several factors rest at this paralytic juncture: low self-esteem, powerlessness, and a desperate yearning for something to be different. These are all things we learned or didn’t get as a result of our trauma. Low self-esteem and insecurity mean an inability to fully invest in ourselves, to be on our own, to be safe on our own, and to be able to recover. Powerlessness refers to our inability to do anything about our traumas and caregivers who were our perpetrators, as we were literally powerless. This is another aspect of the reenactment we engage in. Lastly, there is a desperation for something to be different, for our partner to change. This is the biggest piece of our irretrievable portion of loss—irretrievable meaning a loss that we cannot get back because we never had it in the first place.
I haven't even begun to scratch the surface, but as you can see, our relationships, and whether they require an ending, aren’t a simple matter when trauma is driving the bus. It convinces us that we aren’t allowed to be powerful, secure, and confident. It tricks us into dependence and almost a childlike prison.
But who wants that? I don’t. How do we break free?
First and foremost, you have got to show yourself empathy and compassion. There is far too much bullshit out there that will bypass this complex story. You have to understand the complexity of your paralysis, of your traumas. You have to honor it. Befriend it. Love it even. You have to relearn what it means to be an adult. I know that sounds silly, but I mean it.
Being an adult means developing the trust within yourself that you can feel safe, secure, and resilient no matter what comes up. Part of this process requires you to reconnect with something inside yourself by connecting with something from the outside world. Something you’re good at. Relationships that DO feel good. Fostering these aspects of your life will remind you of who you are.
This is your journey, and you will learn a great deal from this place if you’re open.
In terms of specific actions to take outside of the meta place of the symbolism of our unconscious (!), go to couples therapy immediately. If you can’t afford it, sign up for an online course with your partner. Tell them you have to take it together. Start somewhere small. Just be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself.
I talk about this in my book, How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind. I was stuck for a very long time. My partner was a great person, but we had grown so different over time. I wanted to end it but couldn't.
In my book, I delve into the complexities of this situation. Why I stayed, what made it hard, and how I eventually ended it. I wrote about this because it’s a story I’ve heard from anyone who has ever ended a relationship. Yet no one talks about the depth, the power, and total confusion that we experience throughout the process.
Anyway, if this is you, I am sending you love. <3 T
Thank you. This has helped me in someway to understanding why my partner ended our relationship and then spiralled into a depression about his past experiences. He was using me a crutch and didn't really love me. I now see him as brave for cutting free and releasing me too.
Thank you so much. I needed this. I am in this right now and feeling guilt, shame, confusion, and worried too much about how this will affect the other person. I'm working on looking at how it's affecting me and giving myself grace and reminding myself that I am not a bad person just because I've grown and changed.