Holidays Make Me Sad Sometimes

You're Not A Grinch!

As a child, I cherished the holidays. However, by the time I reached 14 or 15, our celebrations had dwindled. If we did celebrate, it felt like an obligatory meal where everyone rushed to finish before dispersing to separate rooms in the house. As time passed, we grew apart in various directions, and this divide deepened. Eventually, it escalated into estrangement following a catastrophic event.

During this period, I was in a decade-long relationship where we wholeheartedly embraced the holiday spirit. While at times it seemed excessive, leaving me exhausted, stuffed, and nursing hangovers for days afterward, I genuinely enjoyed it. I was part of a family that relished in celebration, openly expressing joy and actively seeking it. It felt heartwarming. However, when that chapter ended, I confronted the reality that I had to rediscover how to celebrate the holidays.

I'm still in the process of figuring it out.

I actually really want to celebrate, yet often find myself feeling alone. My friends have their own plans, or I simply don't feel like joining someone else's celebration. And even when I do, the specter of multiple losses - my ex, my brothers, or my father - looms over me. It's an ever-present reminder. Almost an anniversary in and of itself.

The holidays, for me, become a waiting game, much like my brothers waiting to retreat to their rooms after the meal. I wait for January 2nd to arrive, a day when I can distance myself from the triggers.

I'm sharing this not as an emotional exhibitionist but because I know countless people who share similar sentiments. Our culture often neglects the stark reality that roughly 50%+ of people grapple with each year during the holidays. Instead, there's shame, resentment, regret, guilt, and various unpleasant interpersonal experiences. Holiday music seems to follow us everywhere, even in the pharmacy as I pick up my medication to cope with family-related stress. It's inescapable.

If you find yourself in this situation, as I know many of you do, please know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, and this is a normal experience. The holidays can be challenging, and disliking them does not make you a grinch. I promise.

I'm genuinely sorry that there isn't more space for these thoughts and feelings to be expressed or experienced. Just remember, they will pass, and the holidays will come to an end.